If People Want to Buy You Gifts? Do Your Own “Gift Guide!”

It’s the nature of the beast that people whom are fond of you (even if only obligated to be fond of you because they’re related to you) are going to buy you “gifts” at some point or another. Maybe it will be something you absolutely love, but chances are? You’re going to try finding some polite way to find out where the item was purchased so you can take it back and at least get a gift card – or “store credit.” Maybe you’ll even try getting the receipt somehow – you can always use the “it didn’t fit” excuse if it’s clothing, or “it didn’t work” excuse if it was an electronic gadget. It’s generally not polite to tell Grandma or auntie that she has no clue what kind of clothing you want to wear.

Ever want to see the ugly results of “good intentions?” Visit a department store after Christmas. You’ll see piles of unwanted clothing at the registers. You’re not the only one with a clueless grandma, mother or auntie! Think about all of these clueless shoppers and multiply that by about 500, and bam, you’ve got quite a mess at the “quad” to clean up! Ugly sweaters will need to be folded and put away, corduroy pants shelved, and that super bulky winter coat might need a new tag attached to it before it goes out to the floor.

Cash is the perfect “one size fits all” gift, or as a runner up? Gift cards. But people are obsessed with hiding gifts underneath printed paper and ribbons, which you can’t really do with cash. Sweaters fit SO nicely in a box, and so do those navy blue wide-wale corduroy pants, the argyle sweater vest and the two-piece flannel pajamas with pugs on them. Everyone likes pugs, don’t they? Dogs that are so ugly they’re…ugly?


Grandma may not know that you’d never wear a sweater vest unless forced to at gunpoint – but now YOU know that a sweater vest is called a “jumper” in U.K. lingo!

One of my aunts bought a solar lawn ornament for us about a year ago. A metal cat thing that you can’t even get wet. WTF? Can’t get a lawn ornament wet? I call shenanigans! We saw the Big Lots tag on solar kitty, and took solar kitty back to the store. Turns out auntie paid $10 plus tax, so we got a gift card worth $10.60. Had auntie just wanted us to buy something at Big Lots, she could’ve given us a Big Lots gift card. But that would make too much sense, wouldn’t it?

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?

Gifts You Can Buy For Me That I Will Absolutely Love:



Buy me a bottle of high-quality liquor and I assure you it will NOT get returned – or to go waste! My brother bought me a bottle of aquavit from the Vikre distillery in Duluth a few years ago and it was quite…heavenly! I made aquavit cocktails with ginger ale and olives. Sound gross? It wasn’t! I would also greatly appreciate a bottle of top-shelf vodka or a bottle of mead (preferably berry flavors). A bottle of high-gravity barley wine or an Imperial stout wouldn’t displease me, either! No grain alcohol please, that would violate the restraining order that Everclear currently has against me.

Load-Bearing Carabiner


Don’t ask me what I would use it for! Believe me…I would find SOME way to use it! Probably best to not ask too many questions 😉



There’s always something that needs jimmying or prying, isn’t there? Plus doubles as home defense. Buy me one of these, and I’ll keep it stashed under my bed “just in case.”

Pens/Paper/Blank Books


All of these things would be loved by me! I go through quite a lot of pens and paper during all of the trivia games I play.

Cephalopod Toys/Paraphernalia

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Buy a plush cuttlefish for me and I’ll say, “You SHOULDN’T have!” Other ideas include earrings, T-shirts, edible underwear (JK), etc.

“Hello Kitty” Paraphernalia


Stickers, mugs, home pregnancy kits? I don’t know what it is – but I LOVE Hello Kitty crap! I’m a bit tricky to fit, so avoid trying to buy clothing for me!

Gift Cards to Movie Theaters/Restaurants

Going to movies is expensive – so is eating out! Gift cards never go to waste if you give them to me…

For further reading, check out this Father’s Day gift guide I did last year.





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