Reflecting Upon “Toilet Paper Wars” With My Female College Roommates…


More about t.p. in a bit!

Living with roommates in college has its challenges. Figuring out the appropriate  level of boombox music (dating myself  to mid ’90s) to drown out  sex sounds without annoying your  roommates, keeping those thoughtless bitches from using metal utensils on your non stick cookware (stored my stuff  out of shorties’ collective reach – problem solved) and of course  -sharing in the cost of household  supplies. Which brings  me to…

Toilet paper. A thing  we used  to not only take  for granted, but also had a choice of colors! Until we learned  the dyes  weren’t  environmentally friendly  and also irritated  lady bits (apparently).

When it was my turn  to buy t.p., I always bought one-ply Scott tissue – 1,000 sheets per roll. No quilting, no scents, no pastel colors…no frills. What’s  the problem? My parents  used it, I was used to it I really  thought there  couldn’t  be anything  controversial.

Well, my roommates HATED it! They  didn’t  care that one of  my prison grade  t.p. rolls lasted A WHOLE WEEK as opposed to one of their  girlie parts friendly fluffy  rolls lasting a day for the four of us tops. They wanted their fluffy sewer clogging  stuff -not t.p. they might use if incarcerated. But as long as I was buying  the t.p. when it was my turn, logging my long distance calls, doing  the cleaning when it was my turn and FOR F—-S SAKE watching 90210 and Melrose  Place with them? Well, they couldn’t  complain too much, could  they?

Fast forward  to today, and toilet  paper is a commodity  hotter than the Hope Diamond. I never  used to think about how long t.p. would  last  after  buying  it,  but then Shoppageddon happened recently. So I figured it out!

I bought  a 4 pack of one ply Aldi 1,000 sheets per roll t.p. on March 9, two days before Operation  Panic  Buying kicked in. And my two  person household  has only used two of those  rolls (about a roll a week). One male, one female (women use  more t.p. because  duh they use it every time they use the can and not just for poop).

Being  that I’m  not altogether  immune to panic buying, I grabbed  a 12 pack of 145 sheets/roll t.p. (off brand) March 14. Just one – I could’ve  cleaned the shelves, but I’m  not a selfish, greedy bitch.

I’ve  already  started using one of  the 2-ply rolls in the basement  bathroom. And I don’t  tend to use as much as the prison grade stuff. Let’s  hope we can make it through  our  governor’s stay  at home decree before  I either  have to vainly  try to find more, raid my mom and dad’s Costco  stash or buy a freaking bidet! 💩

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