Bringing My Grocery Shopping Habits Into The 2020s…Also, “Cocaine Hippos”

Dear Diary – Today I did my very first online grocery order – for purposes of picking up later. We’ll be picking up our very first grocery order from a nearby Aldi grocery store on Monday.

Of course, shopping while using your computer/laptop isn’t quite the same as being in a store. You’re always going to see things you want that aren’t on your list when you’re shopping in person, and maybe even see things you needed that aren’t on the list. It’s not going to be a perfect science, by any means. We’ll still want to pick out produce in person and other perishables like bread, etc. And we’ll still shop the old fashioned way when needed – but attempt to do so at odd times during the week and not on weekends – making those trips as quick as possible.

“Dupree” wearing out his welcome (played by what appears to be a sweaty naked Owen Wilson). Like Dupree here, this global pandemic is definitely hanging around a lot longer than even the most clueless of house guests.

My husband and I are just trying to do our “errands” a bit more safely. We likely won’t qualify for getting vaccinated anytime soon, the pandemic is obviously here to stay a while, and recently – a more infectious strain has been discovered in my own county (Washtenaw County in Southeast Michigan, United States). We even bought some beefier face masks today (the ones that have the number 95 in the name).

Even more alarming, is the mall where I work was recently cited in the news as a COVID exposure spot. That’s just fucking great…really great. Just bring your diseases right on in to the mall where I work while you go to the Apple Store to get an iPhone you don’t even need or go to Hot Topic, Pottery Barn or wherever the Hell else you’ve decided you HAD to go to waste your money. Maybe that jones for greasy salty pretzels and nuclear cheese dip just had to be satisfied (actually that sounds kind of good right about now)? A Meijer grocery store a couple of miles from the mall was also cited as an exposure spot. Anyone who was at either spot on Sunday, January 17 during the hours listed (which I don’t recall offhand) have been urged to get tested. Nope, I didn’t go anywhere that day.

Thankfully, I don’t work in any real face to face capacity with too many other humans, and my husband telecommutes. On a typical shift, I don’t even work with any other humans (which is completely fine with me). I run the fans in the room where I work to increase ventilation (and drown out crappy overhead music, LOL), use the hand sanitizer after touching anything gross, yada yada…

I know of at least a couple of co-workers who’ve been infected with COVID. Shortly after I heard about the first case last fall, management really went to town on the breakroom. All tables which had been pushed together before were separated with only two chairs placed at each one (tables are about six feet long and three feet wide), bottles of disinfectant were placed in a few spots. And then of course, the instructions:

“Keep your damn mask on unless you’re eating, don’t leave unsanitary shareable items out, put food and drinks away after breaks you filthy pigs, for the love of whatever deity you worship no dirty dishes in the sink, and for fuck’s sake, spray down your area with disinfectant and wipe your disgusting human filth away when you’re done with your break.”

OK, so maybe I paraphrased a bit! I don’t mind the new breakroom setup, although they did get rid of the couch I liked to sit on before (what can I say – I like to be comfy). I don’t really socialize with anyone on my breaks, except maybe very occasionally if someone actually has something interesting to say. Like when my supervisor started talking about “cocaine hippos.” I chimed in on that conversation, because I recently read about those, too! And as you might imagine, I was captivated (I do love stories about animals):

They may look ridiculous, but don’t underestimate a hippo when it comes to hoof to hand combat! And yes, they can outswim you…

Turns out dearly departed Colombian drug dealer Pablo Escobar imported four hippos (three dudes, one lady hippo) into his own private “zoo” in the 1980s, and since then, they’ve, well…had lots of sex (anyone else getting unwholesome mental images thinking about this) and made lots and lots of new hippos (there are about 80 now). So many that they’ve raised alarm bells for animal conservationists, and sparked talk about snipping/sterilizing/forcing them to wear giant condoms so they can’t make more hippos (yes I was just joking about the last thing). Despite all of this, they are still a tourist attraction and beloved by the loco population Sorry, I meant “local population.” Or did I?

The article I read about the “cocaine hippos” didn’t mention whether the purpose of the hippos was to help guard Escobar’s drug stash or not. But considering how ferocious hippopotamuses can be, I’m sure they’d be perfectly terrifying drug guarders! The article also didn’t mention whether or not the hippos ever used cocaine, either. I’m going to try not to think about coked-up hippos doing whatever it is hippos do on a daily basis. Swimming, eating, mating, occasionally going on a rampage (all things that would be amped up if they were coked up, Errol Flynn, eat your heart out). I haven’t even considered how much cocaine it would take to get hippos into “the zone.” It’s probably astronomical. In any event, I’m sure it’s much larger than the mountain of cocaine that actor John Belushi reportedly had in his trailer while he worked on the 1980 film The Blues Brothers.

And now for something completely different!

I’m sorry…,my mind does go to strange places sometimes! Let’s get back to the riveting topic of online grocery shopping, shall we?

So all of these things were a driving force with doing an online grocery order. I tried to make it a “stock up run,” buying multiple quantities of things we use often, such as coffee, saltine crackers, cereal, snack bars, etc.

We’ll see how it turns out! The good news is, Aldi also sells booze – and will bring THAT to your car, too! I will drink to that 🙂

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