From The Wayback Machine – “Why Stop With Just Cowboys and Aliens?”

Editor’s note: This popped up in today’s “memories” on Facebook from this day (December 1) in 2011. It’s a laundry list of elements I would like to see in a movie (in addition to cowboys and aliens). It’s only been edited slightly:

So Jon Favreau, director of the Iron Man films and actor in PCU is directing Cowboys and Aliens. So all of the western fans and sci-fi fans will finally have their day in film as they watch a spaceship land in 1873 Silver City, AZ.

Daniel Craig using some kind of space doohickey in Cowboys and Aliens…

I’m all for cowboys and aliens being in the same movie. But why stop there?

Multi-genre films are nothing new. Warrior’s Way is a Ninja/Western hybrid. Alien combined horror and sci-fi. Men in Black balanced comedy and sci-fi. Army of Darkness melded comedy with horror. The Scary Movie franchise has merged comedy (though I use the word lightly) with nearly movie genre imaginable.

I challenge a visionary filmmaker to throw in as many genre as possible into one outlandish film.

Ten genre I want melded into one film:

Steve Martin as Dr. Hfuhruhurr in The Man With Two Brains

1. Sci-fi – robots, aliens, time machines, spaceships, brains in jars, Master Control Program, matrices.

2. Western – cowboys, Indians, Rooster Cogburn, saloon fights, saloon girls, high-stakes poker games.

3. Fantasy – dragons, wizards, giants, fairies, leprechauns, fauns, wee folk (but please for the love of Morgoth, no talking animals!). Exception: dragons can talk. Warwick Davis, where are you? Please don’t tell me you’re doing another “Leprechaun” sequel!

4. Ninja/Samurais – martial arts, Hattori Hanzo swords, Beatrix Kiddo, et. al. Get me Jackie Chan’s agent! I don’t care if he’s Chinese!

5. Historical epic. A real historical person has to be portrayed in this film (or a real historical event needs to be played out). Because time machines are going to be a given in this film, this person can be from any time period in history and so can the event. They have to somehow defy all odds to defeat the (fill in the blank) robots, aliens, Apaches, eyepatched U.S. Marshal, dragons, Warwick Davis, Samurais, Ninjas.

6. Organized crime. I’m not picky. Yakuza or Mafia are acceptable. Any crime syndicate back story will add depth and an excuse for gratuitous violence, possibly including beheadings or dismemberment. But bloodless disintegrations will be OK, too.

7. Pirates. Argh! Avast ye scurvy dogs!

8. Monsters. Zombies, werewolves, vampires, chupacabras, Cthulhu, John C. Reilly, Patton Oswalt, Cthugha, Robert Pattinson.

9. Romance. Something to draw the chick crowd. Some kind of star-crossed lover unlikely romance thing. But keep it brief! Any sexual orientation/species acceptable (for today’s audiences transgender and gay romances are compulsory). Need not be human or sentient.

10. Post-apocalypse. We’ll have to see how terrifyingly barren the world looks after Warwick Davis flies a spaceship and commands all of the robot/dragon/Ninja/Samurai/chupacabra armies of Rooster Cogburn look-alikes.

Now where’s my popcorn?

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