My Favorite Simpsons Quotes

I’ll be playing in a Simpsons theme trivia night tonight, so I thought I’d share some of my favorite Simpsons quotes:

Moe Szyslak


I was born a snake handler, and I’ll die a snake handler.

Yes, Homer, I’m an angel. All us angels wear Farah slacks.

Sounds like you’re having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

All right, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are my designated drivers? [a few guys raise their hands] Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates!

You could flash fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.

Aw, geez – I wasn’t going to kill ya, I was just going to cut ya.

Put a coaster under that.

Homer Simpson



I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Think unsexy thoughts.

I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Stupid sexy Flanders.

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good and you’d step over your own mother just to get one.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Forbearance is the watchword, that triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.

Oh honey I didn’t get drunk, I just went into a strange fantasy world…

All right, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.

Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Ralph Wiggum


Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking.

My cat’s breath smells like cat food.

Miss Hoover, the worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have a new one?

This is my sandbox. I’m not allowed to go in the deep end. That’s where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things.

Go banana!

Me fail English? That’s unpossible!

The doctor said I wouldn’t get so many nose bleeds if I’d just keep my finger out of there.

Daddy these rubber pants are hot…

Chief Wiggum: You wear ’em until you learn, son.

Troy McClure



From now on, you’re smoking for two.

I can’t remember when I heard a funnier anecdote. Now you tell one.

 Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as “Out With Gout ’88” and “Let’s Save Tony Orlando’s House.”

You may remember me from such self-help videos as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid.”

Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren’t a big problem anymore!

Oh princess fair…wilst thou grant me thy dainty hoof in marriage?

Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such cartoons as “Christmas Ape” and “Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp.”

It’s the role I was born to play, baby.

Marge Simpson


Every time you go to that cook off you get drunk as a poet on payday!

I’m sorry, honey, the waffle iron’s in the shop.

Alright, I’ll pick up a bucket of fried chicken, extra skin, rolls, chocolate cream parfait…

Mmm, what about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.

Marge: We pretty much went straight home.

Lionel Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you’re still under oath.

Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.

Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn’t find any?

Marge: (crying) We went fishing!

Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, does this sounds like a man who had “all he could eat”?


Charles Montgomery Burns


This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they’ll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let’s see. It was the best of times, it was the *blurst* of times! You stupid monkey!

Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! Go home! You’re off the team for good!

Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.

 [thousands of gallons of blood flows out of the elevator]  That’s odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

 [nearly running over pedestrians] Beep Beep! Out of my way! I’m a motorist.

I’d like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?

Police Chief Clancy Wiggum


Engine block eggs! If we can keep these down, we’ll be sitting pretty…

Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.

Lou: There’s a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: They still sell those frozen bananas?
Lou: I think so.
Chief Wiggum: Let’s roll!

This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a… car of some sort, heading in the direction of… you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

He thinks he’s the pope of chili town.



Keep checking in! I’m sure this blog will be updated with new quotes/characters!




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.