Who Should Be the New Hallmark Holiday Movie Star? Me, Of Course (JK)!

I read an article recently about actor Hugh Jackman. When he had to play the X-Men character Wolverine, he had to “trick” himself into being the dark, brooding character since he is naturally a shiny, happy bubbly person. To do so, he deliberately dehydrated himself – and took cold showers.

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Hugh Jackman in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

If I got into the acting biz, I don’t think I would have too much of a problem playing a dark character! When I was in college, I took an “interpretive reading” class for a speech credit, and recited (from memory) a poem called The Kid by the female poet Ai (birth name Florence Anthony). The poem is about a 14-year-old boy murdering his entire family. By the time I uttered the last line of the poem “I’m fourteen…I’m  a wind from nowhere…I can break your heart?” My classmates were TERRIFIED of me! I seem to recall wearing my dad’s old leather motorcycle jacket as part of my “costume.” Here’s a snippet of that poem:

I stand beside him, waiting, but he doesn’t look up
and I squeeze the rod, raise it, his skull splits open.
Mother runs toward us. I stand still,
get her across the spine as she bends over him.
I drop the rod and take the rifle from the house.

Darkness? I can handle that! I can do Wednesday Addams in my sleep, Lydia from Beetlejuice…What would REALLY be an acting challenge for me? Perky. Behold one of my favorite scenes from Addams Family Values, which is one of my favorite movies.

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How would I get into being a “perky” character? What would be the “bizarro” version of me? I joked recently about there being a job opening because of the Lori Loughlin admissions scandal that prompted the Hallmark Channel to fire her. If she’s not going to star in these feel-good movies, then who will? Why ME, of course! Kidding…KIDDING!

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Reese Witherspoon as Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. I actually LOVE this movie (guilty pleasure)! Did you know she got to keep all of her costumes from that movie as part of her contract? Favorite quote? “The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known!”

What would I have to do to trick my brain into convincing the Hallmark Channel brass that I should become the star of their holiday movies? Well, it wouldn’t be an easy task. It would be an undertaking akin to excavating the Panama Canal, building the Great Wall of China or putting those cute rovers on Mars. Barring about a million hours with a personal trainer, a complete makeover, full frontal lobotomy, plastic surgery and an on-call hair stylist, I’d still have to embody the role of a shiny, happy girl underneath the dyed hair, dental implants, Botoxxed lips, boob job – in other words – exterior phoniness. Anyone remember that scene from A Clockwork Orange where they keep Alex’s eyes forced open and make him watch horrific images? Here’s a funnier image from The Simpsons...

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A machine that forces me to smile and show off my full mouth of dental implants would be a good start, but what things will bring out a natural smile to my face? Cute animals, for one!

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Taking me to watch a wiener dog race would be a great way to bring out my perky (hot dog costumes optional)! I MUST remember to try going to the Frankenmuth Oktoberfest this coming September to watch their wiener dog races. Look at how that dog is AIRBORNE! Some other suggestions:

Things That Will Make Me More Perky So I Can Become The New Hallmark Holiday Movie Star

Aside from a complete makeover, full time hair stylist, one million hours with a personal trainer, full frontal lobotomy, dental implants…
  • Hook me up to a 24-hour otter cam. I need access to river otters 24 hours a day – whether I’m watching them in person – or on a live video feed. Other animals I would want to see on a live feed or in person include and are not limited to basset hounds, dachshunds, Maine coon kittens, bunnies, polar bears, ducklings, Siberian husky puppies, calico kittens, squirrels, etc.
  • Complete climate controlled environment. Outdoor temps must not exceed 78 degrees, and humidity shall not exceed 40 percent. I am much more tolerant of colder temps than hot/humid temps, which would make me an ideal candidate for filming exterior scenes in Hallmark holiday movies.
  • Two drink minimum for all shoots. Vodka Collins cocktails, please (don’t skimp on the vodka).
  • At least a couple of pub trivia games a week. I get cranky if I don’t get my trivia fix.
  • Hot black coffee ready for me when I wake up. Wake the dead strength, please…
  • Ready access to water. Nothing relaxes me and puts me in a good mood like staring at water (especially sunsets).
  • That’s about it! I’m not a “diva” like J-Lo, Madonna or Barbra Streisand, after all! 🙂

 

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