Today I Saw “Squirrel Nuts”

I was chilling in my recliner earlier this afternoon near my glass patio door when I heard a loud “thump” – I looked outside, and there was a squirrel – showing his cute belly – and…everything else – including (ahem) – everything between his legs (yes I know for sure it as a “he”).  If I didn’t know better, I’d say that squirrel was knocking on our door and asking, “What did you do with all of your food?” And flashing us in the process!

Sorry, no photos – but if you do a Google image search for “squirrel penis” you will see some gnarly stuff! I’m telling you…there really is a “porn for everything.”

Mr. Squirrel obviously wanted to know what became of our garden. My husband cleared away the last of anything that might even be REMOTELY edible from the garden on Sunday. Did you have a craving for shriveled up, brown sweet peppers past their prime? Well, you should’ve hit me up!

My husband used a variety of “tricks” to keep varmints from demolishing his garden too much – hot pepper, peppermint, etc. One day we found maybe three or four small tomatoes under a deck chair with tell-tale bite marks in each one. He had found a good “hiding spot” for his secret munchie binges. Mike put a stop to it by folding up the chair and moving it. Now the little bastard couldn’t hide!

The squirrel was visibly pissed after this little event. If you didn’t think squirrels knew how to give dirty looks – or attitude- think again! He took this PERSONALLY! For the record, the peppermint was more effective of a squirrel deterrent than the cayenne pepper (a little tip for any gardeners who might be reading this).

Admittedly, I was a little “wigged out” seeing the squirrel’s “jewels.” A squirrel flashing you is not something you can exactly “unsee!”  Let’s pause a bit, shall we? When was the first time you saw animals “doing it” – or getting ready to do it?  I’ve seen cat sex (there is a considerable amount of yowling involved, when you realize the boy cat’s…member is barbed, the pain is understandable). I’ve also seen a cat give birth to kittens.  The most vividly sexy animal event I’ve seen in my life was a horse in full love battle mode. It was more than 20 years ago, at Kensington Metropark, in the “petting zoo” area. Which meant that parents with their kids also got to witness an Amorous Mr. Ed putting the moves on a lady horse. You could almost hear the Barry White music in the background and if you looked closely, maybe you could see a scented candle.

It was like…TWO FEET LONG! And had different colors (just like horses have different spots/colors). I am fairly certain the two were “broken up” by park staff before the kiddies got to see any sweet horse love. I’m telling you – there was FOREPLAY going on! That horse could teach humans a few things (LOL)!


Denied! She told you she was washing her hair  – and has an early meeting – and (well) she’s just not into you, bro!

In the Fall of 2017, I witnessed a different kind of animal sex. A turtle in the Virginia Beach Aquarium was trying with all of his might to get inside a she-turtle’s shell. And she wasn’t having it. She did what turtles do best – holed right up in her shell. An aquarium staff member said that wasn’t the first time she’d witnessed this kind of behavior with turtles.

What better thing to happen right on the eve of the whole “#metoo” storm? This actually happened right around the same time all of those allegations about Harvey Weinstein became public. I remember exactly where I was – and that was the Howard Johnson in Staunton, VA. I was having some continental breakfast when I saw the news coverage about this.

All I can say… “Go lady turtle?” Way to show that boy turtle that “no means no!”

In other animal news, I just saw a three-point buck behind my house! I hope you escape the upcoming “purge,” Mr. Deer!


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