If We’re Going To Have Movie “She-Boots,” Then Why Not “He-Boots?”

I went to a movie theater Tuesday afternoon to watch Deadpool 2. 

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No, I didn’t see Deadpool 2 at this adorable theater in downtown Cheboygan, MI! But I couldn’t resist taking a photo (seriously how rare are these downtown theaters these days).

While I was waiting to see the main attraction, I saw preview…after preview. One of them was for Ocean’s 8. Let’s see…Sandra Bullock (always good for box office appeal), Cate Blanchett (if you need an “accents” person, fuhgeddaboutit), Dakota Fanning (ooh she’s all grown up now), Rihanna (pop star crossover) and Anne Hathaway (always so irritatingly pretty), among others. There is also someone named Awkwafina (that MUST be her real name).

Yeah, I get it…it’s supposed to like Ocean’s 1 through 1,000,000 – only with a female-dominated cast, not male dominated. That seems to be the trend these days, whether it’s with the recently rebooted Ghostbusters, or the gender-flopped Overboard.

I’m a female – so I’m supposed to like this – right?

WRONG! Don’t pander to me, Hollywood! Give me a good story with great acting, and maybe some killer robots. I don’t need an all-female Godfather, Magnificent Seven or The Longest Yard. And likewise, I don’t want to see Driving Mr. Daisy, A Few Good Women or an all-male version of Steel Magnolias.  

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about inclusiveness and making movies with strong female protagonists – especially if they kick ass! I loved Wonder Woman, and I have a huge crush on “Hit Girl” in the two Kick-Ass films. Beatrix Kiddo in the Kill Bill movies was very, very watchable and good at her job! Speaking of assassins, On BBC America, I’ve been mesmerized as of late by an unremorseful female assassin character named Villanelle on a series called Killing Eve.

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Jodie Comer as Villanelle and Sandra Oh as Eve in Killing Eve

As for rebooting Overboard by switching out the guy’s and the female’s roles? No thank you! Overboard was a HORRIBLE story to begin with, and based on unlikeable, deceitful people. I have no real comment on the Oceans films, because I haven’t seen them. But putting a bunch of females in the movie and having them pull off a heist of the Met Gala isn’t going to entice me to watch it any more than the first Oceans films enticed me to watch them. If anything, Oceans 8 is only going to raise questions. Mainly, how in the world are all of those women going to get along well enough together to pull this off? Especially when greed, jealousy, and the desire for power kicks in. Get enough women together, and a “pecking order” emerges. Someone will have to be the “top hen,” and by golly, those lessers better fall in line. Yes, women can be deadly criminals. But can a whole GROUP of them do it?

Who am I to try changing Hollywood’s way of thinking? Apparently “She-Boots” are a thing now. In the spirit of inclusion, why not consider “He-Boots?” Here are some ideas for movies that can be “He-booted” by replacing the female leads with male leads…In no particular order, here I go! Warning – some of these ideas are actually kind of terrifying with the gender roles reversed!

Thelma and Louise

The film’s action starts out with “Theo,”  who is married to a woman who “shushes” him and makes him stay in the kitchen so she can watch Ru Paul’s Drag Raceand “Lou,” a barista who is married to a pop singer who’s always on the road. The guys break away and go to a seedy sports bar, where a woman tries raping Theo, and Lou accidentally kills the woman. So they flee in a convertible, and try crossing the border into Mexico, with the cops on their tails. On second thought? I don’t think audiences are ready for a movie with a female trying to rape a guy. Wow…this one sounds kind of scary, doesn’t it?

9 to 5

Three male leads, all of whom had to give script approval, have a lying, sexist, egotistical, hypocritical, bigoted female boss who repeatedly demeans and humiliates them – in addition to coming on to them and throwing them under the bus (not literally). She gets her comeuppance after about six weeks of  being restrained with a dog collar and a garage door mechanism, while the men improve conditions at the office by installing kegerators, recliners and flat-screen TVs in the break room. Aside from the slightly intriguing Fifty Shades of Grey S&M stuff, this just sounds like Horrible Bosses, doesn’t it?

Pretty Woman

A rich, work-obsessed business woman, who has a poor romantic history with the opposite sex, pays a coked-up gigolo to be her companion for a week, and pays lots of money for him to go shopping for clothes. Yes, a straight guy going shopping for clothes on Rodeo Drive (I’m not buying it either). A female hotel manager helps give gigolo boy a makeover so he doesn’t seem so much like a gigolo. Ick, I don’t want to see this rehashing any more than the original movie!

Misery

A female author gets severely injured in a car accident in the remote Maine countryside, presumably from driving while coked up out of her mind (like the author of this book was while he wrote many of his books). A male ex-nurse – and fan of her writing – nurses her back to health and forces her to rewrite a book that will bring one of his beloved favorite characters back to life. He winds up chopping off one of her feet to keep her from escaping so she can keep writing this awful, awful book. Patton Oswalt would be a FANTASTIC male version of Kathy Bates, wouldn’t he?

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There you go, Hollywood! Will “He-Boots” be the next big thing? 🙂

 

 

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