Dumb Questions I Want To Ask Apple About “Face ID”


So Apple Inc. has unleashed a fabulous new app that gives them an excuse to show even MORE dancing humans in their commercials. And that is Face ID, which was announced as a bell and whistle to go along with iPhoneX, which debuted September 12, 2017. I remember what I was doing that day…and that was taking pictures of people in line at the mall to buy this thing while I was on my lunch break!


Without further ado, here are some of my dumb questions for Apple:

  1. I have an evil identical twin who is always trying to steal my phone. Will Face ID be able to differentiate between my face and hers?
  2. I work part-time as a vigilante superhero and use a full face mask (similar to Deadpool’s). Will I be able to use an image of my “superhero” persona and my “alter ego” persona with Face ID?
  3. When I’m not trying to keep my evil twin from using my phone and working as a a vigilante, I also enjoy deep cave spelunking. Will Face ID work in the darkest depths of a cave in pitch darkness?
  4. Let’s say I’m in a “surreptitious” environment (hello, part-time superhero here) which requires I keep my electronic devices hidden, though I still might need to send a “ping” to my trusty sidekick. You know, like being interrogated by my evil twin (whom happens to be a supervillain). Will I be able to override Face ID in these instances so I can unlock my phone and call for help?
  5. If I ever get the ability to shape-shift (like that bitch Mystique in X-Men….SO jealous), will this affect how Face ID works on my iPhone?
  6. My vigilante shenanigans have caused me to have to turn state’s evidence against my evil identical twin and now I have to go into witness protection, which requires I get full facial reconstructive surgery. Is it possible to change my digital facial map, or do I have to wait for the next iPhone to come out?
  7. Will I be able to gradually update face recognition over time? I ask, because I decided to experiment with my teleporter to pass the time while in witness protection. Now I am slowly turning into an ant/human hybrid. How is Apple going to be able to help me (hint…this is an SOS….PLEASE help me)!


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