A “Heathers” Musical? F— Me Gently With a Chainsaw! Then Again, Maybe It Could Be… “Very.”

Please see the comments section for a bit more information…

Almost 29 years ago this week, my dad showed me a movie review in The Flint Journal that he insisted I read. It was for the movie Heathers, which was released in U.S. theaters March 31, 1989. It was released in Italy in 1988, which is why imdb lists the release date of the film as 1988.

“You’d probably like this movie,” my dad said to me. He knew I would like the movie on two levels – one because it was a dark comedy, and two, because…my name is Heather!

Unfortunately, the movie left local theaters pretty quickly, so I had to wait until it was released on VHS. When it was released on video, Dad picked up a rental copy at Valley Video, which was my town’s “local” video store. After I turned 18, I would rent an animated pornographic movie (from the adults-only “back room”)  there just to embarrass/horrify my friends (but that’s another blog topic entirely)! And no, it WASN’T Fritz the Cat!

Heathers was worth the wait! I loved it – the story, the dialogue, the characters… It really kind of spoke to me because I was the same age as the characters in the movie, and though my experiences in high school didn’t EXACTLY mirror those of the kids in the movie, there were similarities! This movie didn’t hold anything back – it had violence, profanity,  and countless instances of teen-age brutality/bullying. Suicide/alienation are both underlying themes of the film, which features murders that were staged to look like suicides.


From left to right – Christian Slater (J.D.), Kim Walker (Heather Chandler) and Winona Ryder (Veronica Sawyer). Heather had just collapsed/died after ingesting drain cleaner given to her by J.D. and Veronica.

Fast-forward about 29 years, and a “little bird” has tipped me off that a local theater group is staging a musical version of Heathers, of which a synopsis can be read here

Heathers: The Musical debuted off-Broadway in 2014, apparently…

After reading through this synopsis, I’ll have to admit…it sounds pretty good! The story sounds like it’s in keeping with the spirit of the original film (even expanding the character development/plot a bit), which is very, very important to me! Maybe I’ll have to give this a chance! I’ll have to find someone to see it with me, since musical theater ain’t exactly my husband’s bag, lol.

The Best quotes from Heathers (the movie):

Ram Sweeney): Oh, hell yes. I wanna set a Heather on my Johnson and just start spinnin’ her around like a goddamn pinwheel.

Rodney: Ok, now I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night.

Student: Did you hear? School’s canceled today cause Kurt & Ram killed themselves in a repressed, homosexual, suicide pact.

Kurt’s Dad: My son’s a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.

J.D.: Wonder how he’d react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.


Ram and Kurt’s funeral scene in Heathers.



Heather Chandler: God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. I have to sing Kumbaya one more time…

Heather Chandler: The note’ll give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

J.D.: Yeah, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don’t have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.

Heather Duke: Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?

Veronica Sawyer: Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.

Veronica Sawyer: Heather, why can’t you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?

Heather Duke: Because I can be.

Heather Chandler: They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I’m worshiped at Westerburg and I’m only a junior.


Veronica, Heather Chandler, Heather McNamara (Lisanne Falk), and Heather Duke (Shannen Doherty). The “croquet scene” is what opens the film.

Heather Duke: [playing croquet] So what are you gonna do Heather? Take two shots or send me out?

Heather Chandler: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I’m always red.

[puts her croquet ball against Heather’s and sends it flying]

Heather Duke: Shit.

Heather Chandler: It’s your turn, Heather.


Heather (Chandler) and Veronica at a frat party, where Heather threatens to have Veronica’s reputation for breakfast – after Veronica drinks too much – and pukes.


Heather Chandler: You stupid fuck.

Veronica Sawyer: You goddamn bitch.

Heather Chandler: I brought you to a Remington party and what’s my thanks? It’s on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.

Veronica Sawyer: Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.


School counselor Paula Fleming

Pauline Fleming: Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Veronica Sawyer: I just killed my best friend.

J.D.: And your worst enemy.

Veronica Sawyer: Same difference.

Heather Chandler: Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?


Veronica’s Dad: Will someone tell me why I smoke these damn things?

Veronica Sawyer: Because you’re an idiot.

Veronica’s Dad: Oh yeah, that’s it.

One thought on “A “Heathers” Musical? F— Me Gently With a Chainsaw! Then Again, Maybe It Could Be… “Very.”

  1. Ann Arbor Civic Theater
    Book, Music, and Lyrics by Laurence O’Keefe and Kevin Murphy

    directed by Ron Baumanis | musical direction Daniel Bachelis

    General Auditions: March 25 & 26 @ 7:00 PM at the A2CT Studio (322 W. Ann Street, Ann Arbor, MI 48104)

    Callbacks: March 27 @ 7:00 PM

    Performance Dates: June 7-10, 2018

    Because of the adult content in Heathers, you must be at least 16 years old to audition for this production – there will not be any cuts or alterations from the original script which means performers must feel comfortable with the adult content of the show. Those 16-18 years of age will require parental permission to participate.

    Please attend one audition session only. Plan to arrive 15 minutes early to fill out paperwork. You must fill out an audition form with conflicts even if you have a resume/headshot.

    Auditions are March 25 and 26 starting at 7:00 —Please arrive no later than 7:30. Everyone will sing first, then dance. A one-paragraph sheet of readings will be provided from which you may choose any of them. Dress comfortably to dance. Callbacks, if necessary, will be on March 27th starting at 7:00.

    Prepare 16-32 bars of up-tempo song in the style of the show. Songs from the show are permitted but not required. Please do not sing “Popular” or “Waving Through A Window” at auditions, or the director will puke. Please bring sheet music, no acapella singing at auditions please. Broadway showtunes are preferred.

    Rehearsals will not start until Sunday April 15th. They typically take place Sunday through Thursday 7:00 to 9:30 pm, although some evenings might be adjusted according to different needs. A full rehearsal schedule will be provided before the first all-cast meeting. While we make every attempt not to call you every day, there are some times that this might be unavoidable, especially when learning music and dance.

    Please bring all conflicts to auditions – you will be asked which dates are conflicts for you. No more than 3 or 4 conflicts will be accepted. Please note that casting choices will be made depending on conflicts. No recurring appointments are acceptable (i.e. “I have a dance class every Monday from 7 to 8:30 but can be there at 8:45”). Also please note: there are NO CONFLICTS ACCEPTABLE from Sunday May 27th through the end of the show.

    Show Dates are Thursday to Sunday June 7 – 10.

    More info, include character descriptions and ranges at http://www.a2ct.org/audition

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