I Finally Saw “The Last Jedi” today. Do Not Read This If You Don’t Want Any Spoilers!

Note: This is intended to be a tongue-in-cheek piece. If you want “real” spoilers or synopses of this movie, look elsewhere! 

I know how touchy some folks are about movies being spoiled, so I’m giving you all fair warning that this is NOT going to be a “spoiler free zone.” I will talk about “Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi” in this blog. And I’m just padding this out as much as I can so that if you see the “preview” of the blog, you don’t see any spoilers. And since I think I have passed that point already…Let’s talk about the movie, shall we?

I didn’t go into this one with very high hopes. “Rogue One” was kind of a blur, and everyone you cared about died at the end, including Sonny the Robot. I mean the guy who voiced Sonny the Robot in “I Robot,” aka Alan Tudyk, aka “Wash” from “Firefly.” He also voiced that bad-ass bot from Rogue One.  As for The Force Awakens, though it had its shining moments, I thought it was a huge dick tease, though I loved the hell out of some of the human characters, and BB-8 (he is SO cute)! Overall, I felt like I was bamboozled by Disney magic after watching this one.

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“You will love The Force Awakens for at least a week or so, then wonder what the Hell it was you saw in the movie.”

Giving Luke Skywalker a bigger role in the film was a huge plus for me. Rey visits his Jedi Honeycomb Hideout on an island that looks like it belongs in the British Isles and also looks like it might be inhabited by intrepid Leprechauns. Rey’s goal is to try to get Luke to give up his days of milking those huge dinosaur/cow combo animals for sustenance – and shooing those beakless bird things away – and help the Rebels fight their war against the bad guys. But Luke isn’t exactly an easy sell…now how does one do a Jedi mind trick on a Jedi?

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I can never resist throwing a photo of Lionel Richie in my blogs every now and then! My PhotoShop dream project is for someone to PhotoShop Lionel Richie wearing a commodore uniform. Super old people will get the reference!

Turns out, it was a team effort to persuade Luke to help out the Rebel Alliance. Rey had to do the standard Jedi fraternity hazing rituals, which included facing up to some weird ass hallucinatory stuff, chasing Luke’s ass on the tricky terrain of that island, and watching him do really gross stuff with the fauna on the island. Get your minds out of the gutter! He didn’t commit any acts of bestiality! Jeez, this is a Disney joint! Seriously, why did your mind go there just now? 🙂

Rey could have just had Chewbacca serve as the muscle and haul Luke’s whiny bitch ass into the Millennium Falcon, but that was not to be. Luke did end up wandering onto the Falcon, though (probably out of morbid curiosity, or maybe he wanted to search the places he used to hide Twi’lek porn…(one does get lonely living on an island with weird annoying animals, even if some of them have mammary glands).

 

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Twi’lek girl taking a break from the stuff she had to do for that vile gangster Jabba the Hutt and looking all pensive, though she really just went into the room to stare at Han Solo’s body.

Turns out Luke ran into an old pet of his while he was on the Falcon. None other than the trusty R2-D2. Did you know Kenny Baker no longer plays the part of R2-D2? That’s just because he died in 2016. That didn’t stop Carrie Fisher from being in this movie, since she also died in 2016 (RIP Carrie Fisher). I honestly don’t care how much booze she drank, how many pills she popped or how much coke she snorted. Dead is dead. I’m not one to “shame” the dead! She led a rough life and obviously couldn’t handle the celebrity spotlight very well, but I have a lot of respect for a person who was arguably one of the best “script doctors” in the Hollywood biz (she really was a talented screenwriter in her own right). She was great in this movie as leader of the Alliance, but I digress! Let’s get back to Luke – and R2-D2, shall we?

So R2-D2 ends up “talking” Luke into helping Rey. He plays Leia’s old “Help Me Obi-Wan Kenobi” video, for one, which was a complete violation of the Geneva Convention. Luke actually says as much to R2 (though not in those words)! And it’s really, really amazing the video still could be played, considering all the stuff R2 had endured throughout all of these movies. This bot really takes a beating! And you would THINK a software upgrade would have been needed at some point, and with Luke hanging out with the beakless birds and weird cow-reptile things on a remote island, he wouldn’t exactly be staying on top of all of R2’s upgrades. Hell, I can’t even play Internet videos on my tablet because of some silly upgrade I need to do – and R2 can play that Leia video from 40 years earlier? I call shenanigans!

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No one likes to see this, do they?

Yoda also makes an Obi-Wan Kenobi appearance (my term for someone who appears in a SW movie after they’ve died) and bitch slaps Luke. Well, not really. But he acts like a true friend, and tells Luke what he DOESN’T want to hear. And tells Luke that Rey is the real deal. Which is not what Luke wants to hear. He is nonetheless convinced to help out Rey, so he gives her light saber lessons and stuff. Not that she needs much help. Despite “supposedly” (per Kylo Ren, whom can be trusted as far as Harrison Ford’s ghost can throw him) being the daughter of two junk dealers who sold her for crack money (JK…they sold her for booze money), she seems to be some kind of natural bad-ass and is just oozing The Force left and right. She ends up clearing a bunch of rocks out of the way when some of the Rebels have gotten themselves into quite the pickle.

I’m going to skip ahead a bit and say that Luke winds up doing the most bad-ass Jedi mind trick of all toward the end of all of this and getting into an epic battle with Kylo Ren. I’m not going to say how he does this. Hell, I want to give y’all SOME reason to want to see this movie, if you haven’t already! Trust me on this…it’s EPIC! And it’s the reason to see this movie!

 

 

 

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