Christmas Carols – Decoded!

When you work in place that plays holiday songs all day, you’re bound to wind up analyzing some of the songs – breaking them down, and finding out what they REALLY mean! Here’s a roundup of some of the lesser known meanings of popular holiday songs!

“My Favorite Things” – When things are shitty, just think of things that aren’t shitty and you’ll feel better

favoritethings

One of my co-workers is fussy about this song, and every time it comes on, she says, “This isn’t really a Christmas song.” It was originally used in The Sound of Music, but has seen become a holiday standard, for…whatever reason. Maybe because it mentions woolen mittens? I certainly don’t know. But something struck me about this song just a few days ago. Here are some of the lyrics:

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

Think about that for a second. You’re having a shitty day, maybe a dog isn’t biting you, or a bee isn’t stinging you. Maybe you have a dumb-ass supervisor who thinks it would be a hoot to ask you to ring up customers when the lines get long, even though you haven’t worked a register for at least three years! A lot of software updates can happen in that time! And then there’s the coupons, coupons, coupons – some of them are shoved at you from people’s phones, or some of them are on paper. Let’s say THAT’s one of the shitty things happening to you. Are you really going to have time to just turn your mind to pleasantries like a nice cold glass of beer, winning first place in a trivia game, or wearing your awesome new pair of furry slippers? No. The whole premise of this song is FLAWED. You can’t just think of good things to make the shitty things go away. Period.

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” – People who have been nasty to you – and have bullied you for your entire life – will like you if you do a favor for the “right” person

This song, which was used in a stop-motion TV special in 1964, isn’t really a bad song. It’s catchy, has a nice melody and pretty much anyone can sing it. Plus, Rudolph is f—ing adorable.

rudolph

Aww, how cute is HE?

Let’s take a closer look at the lyrics…

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You’ll go down in history”

Those “other” reindeer excluded poor Rudolph and called him names until Mr. Big Shot – – aka Santa Claus –  needed a favor. I’m not faulting Santa in any of this. Sure, he kind of used Rudolph, but he asked him nicely. Although if he was all-seeing like he was in other songs, he would HAVE to know that those other reindeer torturing poor Rudolph were naughty. Very, very naughty! Jussayn… But Santa still wasn’t one of those bitch-ass “other” reindeer riding poor Rudolph’s ass all of those years. It’s never cool to pick on others for being different. Trust me. That shit leaves emotional scars!

“Deck The Halls” – It’s the holidays, dammit! Gotta do lots of stuff and things, like right NOW! And where’s my ugly Christmas sweater?

This song always sounded like it was being barked out as an order, rather than a celebration. Let’s take a look at these lyrics:

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la la la la!

‘Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la la la la!
Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la la la la la la!
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol, Fa la la la la la la la!

See the blazing yule before us, Fa la la la la la la la!
Strike the harp and join the chorus, Fa la la la la la la la!

Follow me in merry measure, Fa la la la la la la la!
While I tell of Yuletide treasure, Fa la la la la la la la!

Fast away the old year passes, Fa la la la la la la la!
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses, Fa la la la la la la la!
Sing we joyous all together! Fa la la la la la la la!
Heedless of the wind and weather, Fa la la la la la la la!

I really don’t have anything more to say about this song except, “It’s the holidays, dammit!”

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” – Santa is creepy AF and you should get a restraining order against him immediately!

Anyone read the book 1984 by George Orwell? Instead of Big Brother watching you, per the lyrics of this song, Santa Claus is watching you – like ALL THE F—ING time! Picking your nose while you’re in the car? Looking at porn on your phone while you’re at a family gathering? Helping a little old lady cross the street? No matter what you’re doing – good or bad – Santa will see it ALL!

The lyrics:

You better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is comin’ to town
He’s making a list and checking it twice
Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice
Santa Claus is comin’ to town
He sees you when you’re sleepin’
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

Sounds like one scary MF! I give up…he will eventually see me being bad! I’m just going to have to face the consequences…

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” – No really means yes, and if a man wants sex, he will stop at nothing to get it – even if it means spiking your drink

babyit'scoldoutside.jpeg

I have no idea who these people are, but they look like they’re involved with this song.

This song is offensive to me on all levels. I cannot even believe it’s still played heavily in holiday song rotation in this day and age where the phrase “Me Too” has gone completely viral and people accused of sexual harassment are essentially becoming blacklisted – if not fired, or forced to step down from their respective positions.. It’s not OK for movie mogul Harvey Weinstein to sexually harass countless actresses over a period of years and years, yet it’s OK for the douchebag in this song to sing about  date rape. Even our own president has come under fire for multiple instances of sexual harassment, pussy-grabbing and more – and people are saying they’re mad as hell about it and aren’t going to take it anymore. Yet go into any store during the holidays, and you’re likely to hear these lyrics:

“I ought to say no, no, no – Mind if I move in closer?
At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride?
I really can’t stay – Baby don’t hold out
Ah, but it’s cold outside.”

My absolute favorite line in the song is when she asks, “Say, what’s in this drink?” His response is, “Put some records on while I pour.” In other words, “Don’t worry your pretty little head, baby – just let the Rufies do their work.”

Don’t let any of this ruin your enjoyment of some of these classic holiday songs! Happy holidays, everyone –  if I want to get f—ed up, I’ll spike my OWN drink, thank you very much!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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