Editor’s Note: This is intended to be for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken too seriously!

A cure for COVID-19 might not be around the corner, but Halloween, 2020 is right around the corner!

I don’t have any kiddos of my own, and have always (luckily) managed to live in places where trick or treating is not a popular activity. However, a couple of years ago, my husband and I rented a cabin at Harrisville State Park. As it turned out, we had somehow managed to be in the park while their annual Halloween party was going on (you can read more about that here: https://hebontheweb.blog/2018/10/17/that-one-time-we-stumbled-into-a-halloween-party-and-didnt-have-costumes-decorations-or-candy-oh-my/

Oh the horror! We would have to (gasp) buy candy for trick or treaters! Make some kind of lame attempt to “decorate” our cabin! Whatever would we do? The other campers in this park really took their decorating skills to the next level (and paid a pretty penny for Halloween decorations):

Well, I did buy what would be the last bag of candy from a local dollar store. I also bought some rubber spiders/bats, an electric pumpkin, some poster board/tape, and a permanent marker. I also put together a playlist of spooky music from my own collection to play while the kids were begging – I mean trick or treating – for candy. “Dead Man’s Party” from Oingo Boingo, “Night on Disco Mountain” from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, “Shelob’s Lair” from the Return of the King soundtrack and some tracks from the movies Ravenous and Batman (1989) filled out my hastily-assembled “Halloween playlist.”

We both set up in chairs in front of the cabin, which looked like this (sorry I don’t have any pictures of our lame attempt at decorations):

I had a big bowl of candy that I gave out to kids by hand. After a bit, I had to ration the candy to one piece per kid (I was running low). We were out within a half hour, so I changed our “Welcome trick or treaters” sign to “Go away, you little bastards, the candy’s gone.” Just kidding about that last part (though I did state that we didn’t have any more candy, and we retreated into our cabin and we kind of holed up until the hour-long event was over).

Well, that was then, and this is now. This year, the tradition of “trick or treating” will have its challenges because of social distancing measures recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and many local health departments. Which if you’re a germphobic person (like myself), you’re probably left wondering:

“How do I dispense candy to these little freeloaders without giving them my germs – or worse – getting THEIR germs?”

Here are some unconventional ideas (aside from that brilliant candy chute idea that’s already out there and is a much, much better idea than anything I could come up with):

Socially distanced Trick Or Treating Ideas:

• Set up shop on your rooftop and dispense small bags of candy from there by dropping them to the kids. Do not use candy that could hurt them too badly if you miss your aim (a big no to giant Gobstobbers and rock candy of any kind, and no, no, no to apples…NO KIDS WANT APPLES AS TREATS). Be sure to yell “INCOMING” to warn the little darlings first (military fatigues are a nice touch if you’ve got them). If you miss your target, the kid will pick it up anyway. Be sure to designate a “candy zone” and mark off six foot distances leading up to the “drop zone.” If social distancing guidelines aren’t followed, the kids don’t get candy. If you have a partner in crime, have them at the ready with the hose (more about incorporating garden hoses into your trick or treat regimen in a bit). Set aside bags of crappy candy for kids who don’t follow the rules. Peanut butter kisses, anything not made of chocolate, Brand X stuff, etc.
• Wear a full functioning hazmat suit (not one of those fake ones from Party City that only the amateurs are going to be wearing this year) and distribute candy to the kids this way. It will look like a fun Halloween costume and keep you and the kids safe. Use a voice changer to make yourself sound more bad ass. Don’t have a hazmat suit and don’t want to spend a few hundreds bucks on one (you cheap ass, LOL)? Just borrow one from that buddy of yours who works at your friendly local nuclear plant. If you do spring for a fully functioning hazmat suit, you’ll probably get lots of uses out of it besides Halloween. You can make a real statement next time you go to the store with a “mask guard” at the door! “Yes, Costco mask guard – I’m wearing a mask – AND a whole body mask, too, so there, you mask cop…you I’m following the rules, dammit!!” I’m sure you’ll be pleasantly surprised at all the occasions you’ll find for wearing your fully functioning hazmat suit!
• If you can get your hands on some Plexiglass and you’re kind of carpentry-oriented, build a stall large enough for a chair and a supply of bagged candy and distribute candy to kids from that. Drill a hole large enough to dispense candy and accommodate some PVC tubing (which is kind of stealing that guy’s idea with the candy chute, but it’s not like he trademarked it). Have kids play “bank” by walking up to the “candy teller” to get their candy. If you work in an actual bank, maybe your boss will allow you to take the customer roping home for a night to really add to the experience (they probably will not allow you to do that). You could probably improvise something similar if you have lots of time on your hands and the correct supplies (orange construction pylons might be cool).
• There are literally instructions about how to make everything on the Internet. So why not make a Pinata? Make the Pinata shaped like (what else) the Corona Virus! If you have kids of your own, have them get in on the act (craft night)! What better way to beat the Corona Virus than to actually beat a replica of one? Some kids (well most of them, actually) are violent by nature and will probably enjoy letting off some steam. And with childhood obesity being such an issue these days, why not make the little dears have to burn some calories to get their candy? Don’t have time to make a Pinata or aren’t crafty enough? Buy one from a party supply store if you’re not crafty and short on time. Have a variety of sanitized things handy for kids to use to beat the Pinata and get their candy (and sanitize their beating sticks when they are done). Once the candy’s gone, it’s gone. Make sure only one kid goes up to beat the Pinata at a time and follows social distancing rules OR ELSE THEY GET THE HOSE AGAIN!!!