Last night, I was a good girl and got myself into bed by midnight – which for me – a night owl – is pretty darn early! Didn’t get to sleep too easily, but after 4:30 a.m. – all bets were off for me to be able to log a good night’s sleep. Why? A female cat in heat decided to try to call all the boy cats to OUR back yard – AND the front yard! On the EXACT night that I have to get sleep – and get up by a set time.

It was the unmistakable sound that cannot be ignored – a sound that I can only describe as “mewling.” Remember that “South Park” episode where Cartman’s cat is in season and won’t shut up? Female cats in heat are fucking annoying. I grew up in a house with lots of kitties, so I know…I’ve seen cats having sex (definitely can’t un-see that), I’ve seen cats giving birth, and I’ve seen female cats begging for sex with such painful desperation that they put Peg Bundy to shame.

One web site I found mentioned putting a RECTAL THERMOMETER in a female cat’s vagina while she is in heat to basically knock the filthy urges out of her. Anyone want to volunteer for that task? I can only hope this kitty finds another place to beg for sex soon – this nonsense could go on for up to 14 days! Where did I put my earplugs?

I don’t work tomorrow, so if that…bitch (I can technically use that word without it being an insult to the cat…not that I’m shying away from insulting this particular rude cat) comes around tonight? I’m going to chase her with a broom! Behold my witchy powers, you…cat – with an itch that can only be scratched in one way! Go beg for sex in another neighborhood – only indoor kitties in my ‘hood (dumbass)! I hear there are lots of un-neutered sexy boy cats east of us beyond the woods! Go stick your ass in the air over there, lady – they’ll smell ya from miles away (and hear you)! Fun fact, did you know male cats have barbs on their (you know)? Cats like it kinky! #wildthings

So what about work then? I was a bit cranky when I first got in today (stupid sleep deprivation)! Good news is I only have to wear a mask when I’m working in areas open to the public – and most of my job involves working in areas that aren’t open to the public. Also, a fun perk of my job is being able to buy clothes before they go to the sales floor – so I know for sure that no one has tried them on before I bought them. It’s gotten more complicated for stores these days with fitting rooms. Anything a customer tries on has to get quarantined for at least a day or two before being able to go back out on the racks. Air out the grossness, I guess. I could go on about the digustingness of fitting rooms BEFORE we were in plague mode, but I’ll spare y’all the details of that for now.

Speaking of, today I bought a couple of skirts – with pockets (need a place to stash my small bottle of hand sanitizer and my pocket knife) for my “work wardrobe.” Turns out they’re really baller when the weather’s warm (not technically baller since I have no balls…though I am ballsy). I wear them with bike shorts underneath, and wow…so comfortable! I wore a skirt today as a trial to see if I could do even the most physical/ dirty parts of my job and stay comfortable/cool – and yes, I can! Since it’s so hard to find pants that fit me right, this could be my new work “look!” The skirts may look dorky paired with Nike shoes and socks, but why would I care about that? I work in “sales support,” so I’m not required to wear “pretty” shoes (I’d quit if I had to).

Still not terribly excited about having been called back to work, but I guess I did need to get off my ass!