This Is Why I Can’t Have Nice Things (Such as Smart Phones)

I occasionally get teased about having not yet upgraded to a “smart phone.” I still use a “flip” phone for texts, calls, alarms, etc. – but have a WiFi enabled tablet that I use for social networking, surfing the ‘Web, posting blogs “on the go,” taking photos, etc. I paid for that tablet straight up – and it doesn’t have any wireless “plan” on it. I use it in bars, restaurants, stores with WiFi – and in my WiFi zone at home.

Pssst…want to know the REAL reason why I haven’t upgraded to a “smart phone?” I’m not trying to be ironically retro…truth be told…a smart phone is just plain too expensive for the abuse I’d inflict upon it! I cannot be trusted with a smart phone (allow me to elaborate):

My most recent “flip phone” was one I’d had since maybe about September, 2015. It had a full keyboard that slid out (can’t find phones like that anymore). I…spilled some beer on it in November, 2018 – and since it was more than high time to “upgrade,” anyway, – and there were some things that didn’t work right with the phone –  I got a  new phone. Yes, another flip phone. I am paying $6 a month for this phone, which my husband has dubbed a “Tricorder.” Sadly, it does not have a full keyboard. Which is the main reason any texts I send from it are extremely…brief. Maybe that’s a good thing?


Last Wednesday, the unthinkable happened to this phone, which I’ve only about three months – (and is not yet paid off)…I was taking laundry out of the washer, when (I think you can figure out what happened next) – I saw my poor phone lying IN THE WASHER! It had been in my pants pocket when I was taking a walk outside. I paused for a second, thinking “Holy shit, that’s not Mike’s money clip, is it?” And when I realized it WASN’T the money clip, I was actually relieved (I washed his wallet by accident before…he wound up having to replace his Social Security card, which isn’t as easy to do as you might think).

I tried not to panic – I took the battery out and the panel off, and immersed it in dry rice…and waited. I kept the phone in the rice overnight.

Good news? The phone is working…sort of. I just  received  a  call! Only problem is the screen…isn’t working. I can receive  texts but  can’t  see  them  unless  I go online… Our last-ditch effort to save this phone will be visiting a local Verizon store to see if one of their “smarty pants” people (just in case “Genius” is copyrighted, LOL) can bring it fully back to life. If that doesn’t work, we’ll have no choice but to pay what’s remaining on this phone – and (sigh) get another one. Yes, another “flip phone.” With my track record with the abuse I inflict on phones, it’s clear that me having a smart phone? Uh…all signs point to no!

I’ve dropped two phones in the toilet since 2006. One of them was flushed (the other was retrieved…from CLEAN toilet water  –  but not salvageable). Such tiny, shiny things are like…slippery eels in my clunky hands. My nice not-tiny tablet has been a trouper. It’s too big to hide in any pockets. It’s too big for me to lose (though I did leave it at Maplewood Lanes in Saline at a trivia game about three years ago). I’ve had people ask if my tablet is my phone (I wish)!

I can still access my text messages online and see if anyone’s tried to call me. My husband has a work phone that can be used for emergencies.

Honestly? I’d rather not be “tethered” to a phone AT ALL! I miss the good old days of being able to be truly incognito!

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