Editor’s note/trigger warning: This blog post is darkly, darkly satirical in nature and NOT intended to be taken seriously in any way, shape or form. It also contains macabre, dark subject matter pertaining to serial killing, cannibalism, sodomy, necrophilia, homicide, etc. If you are a sensitive, delicate snowflake, have a heart condition or are otherwise easily offended, horrified or grossed out, then by all means PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE READING! However, if you are into this kind of thing, you might also want to read this other blog I wrote about Michigan basements, in which I talk about… Michigan basements AND the exploits of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. For the love of whatever deity you worship – DO NOT CONTINUE READING THIS! You have been warned! This blog is intended for mature readers only. Or immature readers who are old enough to know better, but are still morbidly curious enough to read this! And if all of this was not enough of a disclaimer for all of you, this blog is NOT intended to be a how-to guide, or an endorsement of serial killing or serial killers. Please don’t don’t kill anyone – you got that? Good!
Want to read a similar blog of a much, much more lighthearted nature? Then check out this blog I wrote about silly things Shaquille O’Neal should sell to us on TV. This blog is pretty G-rated! I have not only outlined several reasons you SHOULDN’T read this blog, but I have suggested a more appropriate blog for you to read, too! All of that said…
Are you still here? OK, let’s do this! Pretend you’re a serial killer – and you’re logging into Facebook. Under a pseudonym, of course! You find that playing Farm Town is quite relaxing, and you go to check on your farms, put some products into production, hire another farmer to harvest/plow your crops. It’s a great way to pass the time in between your other daily tasks – such as cleaning the blood from the bathtub, getting those blood stains out of your clothes, dreaming up fake alibis for the police, wrapping your latest victim in a tarp so you can chuck it in a ravine, and wiping down all surfaces in your vehicle that might have pesky, incriminating fingerprints.
A farm in “Farm Town.” Yes, this is MY farm! I have not actually played Farm Town for a few months. No crops on this farm, just factories.
Before you get to check on your farms, (and maybe see what that ex girlfriend has been up to, unless she has wisely blocked you) however…you see some “targeted ads.” Let’s take a little leap here (bear with me) – these aren’t just ANY targeted ads. Somehow the marketing folks at Facebook have become aware of your “secret life.” So you see targeted ads for items such as chainsaws, chipper shredders, heavy-duty tarps, industrial grade lime, zip ties, stain removers, spray cleaners, large-volume stock pots, duct tape, rope, stain-resistant clown costumes, backhoe rentals, self storage unit rentals, chest freezers, etc.
Before I go any further, think about this for a second – what if targeted ads not only showed you WHAT you tend to buy – but somehow “knew” WHY you wanted to buy certain things? With that thinking in mind, read on!
The goal of the marketers and advertisers (keep in mind if you work in advertising/marketing you either have no soul to begin with, or you willingly sold it to the highest bidder before accepting the job) is to simply take your money – and not judge you for being the human monster that you are. We all know that you didn’t CHOOSE to become a serial killer – that the serial killing life chose YOU! It’s become something that you’re compelled to do, whether you choose to – or not. In a vain attempt to quell your inner demons, which have been festering inside you since you were molested by a family member, watched your daddy kill your mother, you were cruelly rejected by that girl you fancied (maybe multiple girls you fancied), or witnessed a neighbor boy deliberately set a dog on fire while it was still alive. I’m talking about absolutely horrific life experiences that would leave no one unscathed. Nothing happens in a vacuum, and as a result of your own mind trying to make sense of – and cope with brutal life experiences by cursing you with a relentless compulsion to kill? Bam, you wind up becoming a serial killer. Maybe you’re just a sociopath who had nothing bad ever happen to you – and you were just BORN a human monster bent on the destruction of life – a “bad seed,” if you will.
Macaulay Culkin plays a “bad seed” type of human monster in the 1993 film The Good Son. I honestly don’t remember too much about this movie, other than one of my boyfriend’s friends exclaiming, “Little bastard” about this character while we were watching the movie on home video (you had to be there, but this was a huge, boisterous guy saying this – so it was hilarious).
The reasons why you’re a human monster are not even remotely important to advertisers! Hell, they don’t even care that you are a human monster! To them, you’re just another potential customer. All they know is that you have a “thing” you’re really, really into – and they want you to buy THEIR stuff to help make your life easier! And more importantly, take your money!
So what happens if you – a serial killer – decide to click on one of the things Facebook (or Amazon) is suggesting that you buy? You – as a serial killer – are going to be persuaded to buy things in ways that “normal” folks won’t be persuaded to buy them, that’s for sure! And you’re only going to be shown the product features that YOU really, really care about! Let’s play a game of “pretend shopping” (please note all brand names will be fake):
Viktorfreeze 530-liter chest freezer
Maybe that guy you met at speed dating SEEMED like a nice, funny guy, so you brought him home. And you had some drinks and a nice conversation over dinner! At first, you decided you weren’t going to use that pry bar you had concealed under the table “just in case.” But he just didn’t get ANY of your pop culture references, so you bludgeoned him to death with that pry bar. Still, even though he didn’t manage to finish that Simpsons quote, he was a nice guy, and you might want to keep his body around for a while. Look no further than this 530-liter capacity Viktorfreeze chest freezer! It has enough room to safely store an average sized adult human corpse and maybe even some frozen dinners and freezer pops, too! Our freezers are guaranteed to keep your precious contents intact (unless you’re opening the door several times a day to look at the dearly departed) for up to 48 hours even in the event of a power outage. But if you’re not a “leave things to chance” kind of person, then you might want to buy a:
People who bought Viktorfreeze 530-liter chest freezer also bought:
Neverfail backup generator
This sturdy, reliable generator will keep that chest freezer and other household appliances going even when Mother Nature decides an ice storm is in order for your region and knocks out power for 300,000 customers. Don’t let pesky corpse decomposition ruin your day, buy a backup generator today!
People who bought Neverfail backup generator also bought:
ICU 2000 Wifi/4G Internet Doorbell
Be the first to know when nosy neighbors, the local police or FBI come knocking at your door – even if you’re away from home – with the ICU 2000 WiFi /4G doorbell! You may be out dumping that body in a remote ravine, but you’ll still know if a nosy human is knocking on your door- or worse – snooping around on your property (if you buy our deluxe camera package)! This also works with any voice-activated device that you are likely already using to quickly tell you the most suitable places within a five-mile radius for burying or disposing of corpses. In addition to playing your favorite George Thorogood and the Destroyers songs and queuing up your favorite trivia quiz sites.
People who bought ICU 2000 WiFi/4G doorbell also bought:
Suretite Law-Enforcement Grade Zip Ties
Suretite law-enforcement grade zip ties are an economical way to keep your victims from putting up too much of a fight while you transport them to a remote location and bludgeon them to death – or kill them execution-style. They also come in a variety of colors and in quantities of 500 or more. Buy more and save by buying in bulk! Ask about our special “our lips are sealed” deal – pay a nominal annual fee and we’ll be sure to not reveal our customers’ identities/names/addresses to law enforcement. Buy with confidence – buy Suretite!
People who bought Suretite law-enforcement grade zip ties also bought:
Stuck In the Middle With You – Stealers Wheel (digital download)
Because you need only the best “theme” music when you’re torturing your victims! Download Stuck in the Middle With You by Stealers Wheel (famously used in that “ear” scene in Reservoir Dogs) today! Also be sure to peruse our extensive selection of homicide-appropriate songs by The Carpenters!
People Who Downloaded Stuck in the Middle With You by Stealers Wheel also purchased:
MilwaukeeMonster 20-Liter Stock Pot
The Jeffrey Dahmer-inspired MilwaukeeMonster 20-liter stock pot is guaranteed to comfortably accommodate an average-sized human head – or your money back! They also work great for making huge batches of homemade soup/stew, perfect for luring the homeless to your home so that they get a nice, hot meal before you dispatch every single one of them one-by-one. And then cannibalize them. Its flush stainless steel design ensures easy cleanup, too!
People who bought MilwaukeeMonster 20-liter stock pot also bought:
If John Wayne Gacy were alive today, he’d be sure to fully endorse Everyoneluvsaclown’s full line of adult sized clown costumes in sizes ranging from XXS to XXXXXL! Buy one of our ready-to wear costumes, or build your own with customizable components – pants, top, accessories, etc. All costumes come with discreet flask pockets! Ask about our alteration services for which we charge a nominal fee. Accessories such as grease paint, spritzing flowers, white gloves and rubber noses (available in all colors), oversized shoes and more are also available for purchase. And remember all of our costumes are machine washable and stain resistant!
People who bought Everyoneluvsaclown Costumes/Accessories
Killing Eve, Seasons 1 and 2
You’re bound to get some great ideas for improving your serial killing game by watching episodes of Killing Eve! Villanelle has a bloodlust that might even exceed yours! She has a passion for what she does and it shows! However…if you’re trying to be a “discreet” serial killer (aren’t we all), then you might not want to copy her actions TOO much, as Villanelle lives for the attention!
I think I’ve made the point that the exploits of serial killers are pretty horrific! Even the best horror writers in the world couldn’t conceive of some of the things that real-life people have done in the pursuit of destroying life. Hungarian noblewoman Elizabeth Báthory and four collaborators were accused of torturing and killing hundreds of young women between 1585 and 1609. Javed Iqbal of Pakistan raped, strangled and put acid in several children – claiming 100 victims upon his arrest. John Wayne Gacy sodomized some of his young male victims and was responsible for 34 deaths. Ted Bundy was a necrophile (this means he liked having sex with dead bodies) and sexually assaulted a woman with a speculum (she survived the assault but sustained permanent brain damage). He also wasn’t just into adult women and counted children among his victims.
But the ways in which advertisers are luring in their customers are nearly as insidious as the M.O.s of typical serial killers, aren’t they? Unlike serial killers, advertisers don’t have to get their hands all bloody and their clothing covered in gore! In a Futurama episode, advertisements were even projected directly into people’s brains while they slept:
Fry eventually gives in and buys the very overpriced Lightspeed Briefs. Resistance is futile! All of us will eventually BUY ALL OF THE THINGS! And advertisers will know WHY we need them – and want to buy them! Now how creepy is THAT?
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