So it’s “Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel. I’m already bored…(long yawn).
I propose that “Shark Week” be replaced with “Cephalopod Week.” Sharks are overrated show-offs and one-trick ponies to boot. Maybe I am a bit biased, since I am a fan of octopuses, squid, cuttlefish and even nautiluses. Nautiluses are, to reference the movie The Big Lebowski, the “Donnies” of the cephalopod family. They’re not that bright. But most cephalopods ARE pretty bright…and bad-ass! Which is one of many, many reasons that they are superior to sharks in every way (IMHO).
I know who I’d put MY money on in that fight!
Without further ado…
Reasons “Shark Week” Should Be Replaced with “Cephalopod Week”
- Cephalopods are smarter than sharks.
- Sharks hunt by openly stalking their prey. Cephalopods prefer the subtle, sneak attack. They will bide their time to wait for the right moment to strike.
- Even if a cephalopod ultimately loses in a fight with another creature, there is a good chance they will try taking the other creature out with them – and succeed in doing so.
Evidence that an octopus can kick a shark’s ass.
- Cephalopods come in all shapes and sizes. What better way to embrace inclusivity? A giant squid has the largest eyes of any living earth creature, and if given a chance, will kick your ass. Likewise, A blue-ringed octopus will fit in the palm of your hand and can take you out with their deadly venom. Read more about that deadly, adorable little octopus in this blog.
When a blue-ringed octopus shows these, it means you’ve pissed it off!
- Cephalopods don’t need no stinkin’ rows and rows of sharp teeth. Who needs teeth when you have venomous tentacles, sharp beaks and did I mention tentacles? Add a good helping of brains behind any attack and you have the superior predator, hands-down.
- They’re natural “bad guys.” Octopuses live and lurk in underwater lairs. In general, nice creatures and animals don’t lurk – and they don’t live in lairs. What better mascot for a week dedicated to a predatory animal?
- There is such a thing as “tentacle porn,” but definitely not “shark porn.” Though there is a “porn” for just about everything! A shark doesn’t get to make it with hot Japanese anime girls – but tentacled creatures do! I was thinking of using a photo to go along with this statement, but there literally were NO appropriate photos when I did a Google image search for “tentacle porn.” And whatever you do, do not do an image search for tentacle porn! Hey…hey…I said DON’T look up “tentacle porn!” Ah, I give up! Yeah…go and look!
- Cephalopods can go literally ANYWHERE. They can and will squeeze into any crevice small enough to allow passage of their beaks, which are are the only “hard” parts of their bodies. Speaking of going anywhere, they will even go on land to hunt. Can a shark do that? I’d like to see ’em try!
Octopus 1, crab zero…
- Cephalopods are just damn mesmerizing to watch. They’re like living lava lamps! And they can even change colors!
- The mating rituals of cephalopods are freaky and weird! You might think it’s pretty romantic that the male octopus typically embraces and caresses their mates with one of their arms until you realize the arm they’re using is probably their hectocotylus (meaning it’s filled with spermatophores). Plus, most of them die after they mate and their babies hatch. Oh the drama! It’s just MADE for television! And the babies are f—ing adorable!