Editor’s Note: This blog will specifically mention masturbation, human-on-human sexual intercourse, and human-on-fish monster sexual intercourse plus includes a link to a racy article in Cosmopolitan magazine. Please do not read if you have a heart condition or are offended by (mildly) sexually explicit material. And for the love of whatever deity/man/woman/tentacled monster you worship, please do not read this to your kids! Find that “safe space” and get in it…quickly! I have plenty of “tamer” blogs on this site, why don’t you check out this blog instead.
I’m not a film critic, nor am I a film expert of any kind. I haven’t studied film academically. At all. As for this year’s Oscar nominees, I only saw one of the best picture nominees – The Shape of Water – just because I love Guillermo del Toro movies, and, well, it has a FISH MONSTER in it! This fish monster [SPOILERS AHEAD] winds up getting busy with a mute human woman who is not only into bestiality (duh), but masturbates regularly in her bathtub. I mean…she does this EVERY SINGLE DAY BEFORE GOING TO WORK. And because of that, I am her biggest cheerleader (wink-wink)!
I will, however make her repeat after me, in sign language (since, duh, she can’t talk) – “Water is not a lubricant…water is not a lubricant…water is not a lubricant.” On that note, I was browsing through a Cosmopolitan magazine recently and stumbled upon an article about shower sex and how to not have an accident and drown/ die while boning and/or having oral sexual exploits in the tub. It covered topics such as balance, positioning, lighting, lubes, artful direction of hand-held shower heads, strategic use of soap suds, sticky tub mats, etc., which you can read online here. If you need to take 20 to read this so you can go try out these tips right now, I totally understand! This blog will be waiting for you when you get back! But seriously, that was the gist of the article – how not to die and have an accident while making sweet love in the bathroom, though the Cosmo editorial magicians present it a little more sexfully than THAT! One of the things I learned is that there are lubes designed specifically for water play (don’t say you didn’t learn anything by reading this silly blog, lol). I don’t think water-friendly lubes would help the horny mute woman at all, though since she has her lady parts fully immersed in the water while she manually tickles her clit fantastic (I made up that phrase just now). She just touches herself – no dildos, toys, cylindrical household objects or sausages seem to be involved. She really ups the ante toward the end of the movie when she floods her whole bathroom so she can have groovy underwater sex with the fish monster. Later in the movie, It is kind of revealed that she may be a [REALLY YUGE SPOILER ALERT] fish monster herself. “Baby it’s better…down where it’s wetter…under the sea.” A happily-ever-after fairy tale? You be the judge!
Ahem…now that you’ve returned after reading that Cosmo article about shower sex and putting some of those suggestions into practice, let’s get back to the fish monster movie, shall we? Rounding out the cast of this movie featuring the very, very horny mute woman (actress Sally Hawkins) who digs fish monsters is a semi-closeted gay male neighbor (Richard Jenkins) who ironically loves eating pie, a sassy African American female co-worker (Octavia Spencer) who sneaks smoke breaks away from the surveillance cameras, an evil prick face bureaucrat with a really gross, smelly decomposing finger (Michael Shannon) who tries destroying them all…and of course, a FISH MONSTER (Doug Jones)! And because of all of these things….I want The Shape of Water to win best picture. Even though that’s not how the dice rolled (I will get to that in a bit).
A scene from The Shape of Water, aka Fifty Shades of Blue (lol)
So I’ve made it crystal clear that I really don’t know a damn thing about Oscar predictions. If you’re looking for a real “Oscar Predictions” piece with some street cred, look elsewhere! Will the winner be a period piece? A May-December romance? A historical drama? The fish monster movie? That movie with Daniel Day-Lewis in it? Hell if I know! I really only know just enough to be “passable” on trivia nights in some “pet” movie subcategories, but I ain’t no Leonard Maltin! I can tell you which 1957 movie won best picture, I can rattle off a list of EGOT winners on command, I am “decent” on release years of most popular films, and I can name the two Disney movies from the 1940s with Spanish words in the titles, but I can’t tell you why some movies win the statuettes and others don’t. I would not be a bit surprised if a magic 8 ball was used to determine the winners. That would actually explain A LOT!
All of my predictions are based ENTIRELY on probability! I rolled two different dice – a six-sided die – and a 10-sided die. Most categories only had five nominees, so I rolled the d6 for those (re-rolling if I rolled a six); and a 10-sided die for the best picture nominees, of which there are nine. So how did the die rolls go? Let’s let Batman’s Joker tell us!
And the winners will be…(per my die rolls)
Best Picture – Call Me By Your Name
Best Actor – Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out
Best Actress – Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water
Best Supporting Actor – Willem Dafoe, Florida Project
Best Supporting Actress – Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread
Best Director – Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird
Best Original Music Score – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri, Carter Burwell
Best Foreign Language Film – A Fantastic Woman
Best Original Song – Mighty River, Mudbound, Music and Lyrics by Mary J. Blige, Raphael Saadiq and Taura Stinson
Best Animated Feature – Loving Vincent
Best Cinematography – Blade Runner 2049
Best Original Screenplay – Get Out
Best Adapted Screenplay – Mudbound
Best Animated Short Film – Garden Party
Best Documentary Feature – Icarus
After the Oscars air, I’ll see how my “predictions” compared! Actually,