I’m not 5, so I’m not doing a Christmas countdown. I’m counting the days til the holidays are finally done!
Go ahead and call me “Grinch” or “Scrooge” if you want. It’s easy to pick on the “outsider.” It’s fair game to pick on the rebellious person who doesn’t want to do what everyone else is doing and make their houses visible from space with all of the lights (and targets for thieves who like to steal holiday decorations – now who’s the REAL Grinch in this scenario)? Truth be told, this isn’t a happy time of year for everyone. Go into virtually any place of business in the United States this time of year and you’re probably going to hear Bing Crosby singing at you. Maybe you’re even imagining him socking his loved ones in the jaw like the urban legends say he did – while a pipe dangles precariously from his mouth and he holds a bottle of bourbon in the other hand.
More about these…menaces – in a bit!
This time of year, you’re virtually guaranteed to see someone in a hideous holiday sweater (they are “thing” now). Personally? I find green and red very offensive (they don’t belong together in the same garments unless it’s Santa wearing green mittens). You’ll definitely see holiday decorations – maybe a decorated tree or some fake wrapped presents. You can’t escape it. If you’re a retail worker, you’re virtually enslaved by it all. I have to hear holiday songs all day, I have to grit my teeth and overcome my dread of…nutcrackers (seriously I can’t stand those f—ing jackjawed things) – and stock them on the store shelves. I don’t know what it is about them, but (shudder)! I was in a house where someone had a lot of these lying around as decorations and I just couldn’t even look at them. And…now that you know how to torture me (LOL)! Do your worst!
If you’re anything like me, you’ve developed various “coping mechanisms” for dealing with the insanity of the holidays – besides excessive drinking and blaring Rage Against the Machine songs in your car every chance you get. A creative thing to do is to change the lyrics of traditional holiday tunes to more off-color ones (such as “don’t forget…to suck on my (word that rhymes with sock)”, or “I’ve got my gun to keep me warm,” or “In the lane…blood is glistening…screams of pain…are you listening,” and my favorites… “In the ghetto we can get some snow, man…or some crack turned to a golden brown…”
Don’t get me wrong. There are SOME things I actually don’t mind about the holidays. You can read more about those things in more detail here.
But if you’re too busy trying to figure out how to get all of those pesky gifts for those pesky people on your Christmas list and figure out ways to discourage thieves from jacking stuff from your porch to look at yet another blog (I don’t blame you, I get it), then I’ll try summarizing those things here:
Things I Don’t Hate About The Holidays:
- String lights and tasteful holiday decorations
- Spiced holiday ales (this year’s Christmas Town ale by Frankenmuth Brewery, pictured above, is quite tasty)
- Gingerbread cookies (if they’re anatomically correct, that’s a big bonus)
- Ernest Saves Christmas. Forgive me…I love silly movies!
- The song “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” isn’t terrible! I just prefer someone besides Karen Carpenter singing it (I’m secretly jealous of how perfect her voice was – though because I stated that in a blog, I guess it’s no secret anymore)!