What Elements Would Be In My Own Horror Film?

Editor’s note: This blog is intended for mature readers and will contain references to cannibalism, serial killing and other inappropriate material. Do not read further if you’re easily creeped out or just not into this kind of thing. Thank you!

I’m a tough customer when it comes to horror films. Freddy, Jason and Michael Myers just don’t scare me – and neither does Leatherface. I’m not coulrophobic, so Pennywise doesn’t creep me out – nor did the “klowns” in Killer Klowns from Outer Space.  I wanted my money back after watching The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity. Horror movies featuring the “killer doll” premise – such as Anabelle, The Conjuring, etc…(yawn).

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This will solve most of your “killer doll” problems!

As for current horror films, I do kind of want to see the new Halloween movie because Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) really, really wants to kick Michael Myers’ ass (I can appreciate that sentiment)!

While I kind of enjoy a good vampire flick, I can’t say vampires really “scare” me. Though Willem DaFoe’s portrayal of Count Orlock in Shadow of the Vampire was pretty creepy!  I remember seeing this on opening night at the Michigan Theater in downtown Ann Arbor, MI. There was even a live organist helping to set the mood before the show!

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“Behold my Lee Press-On Nails – Malkavian edition.” Willem DaFoe in Shadow of the Vampire.

I also really enjoyed the Hellraiser movies (parts 1 and 2) – and the 1999 movie Sleepy Hollow. The Grudge is a nice creepy ghost story – and Fright Night (the original), The Lost Boys and Interview With The Vampire are some other “horror-esque” movies that I’ve enjoyed watching over the years.

So what would a horror film have to show me to scare ME? That’s a very, very good question! I am not without my own fears – and things that give me the general “willies,” unease, etc. Any horror film made especially for me would have to have these elements included in the movie:

Nutcrackers
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These things are just WRONG. Jack-jawed wooden… menaces! Make a movie where these things are golems that have been brought to life and bring a household to its knees over the holiday season. Your only defense is to burn ’em all (they are made of wood, after all). But first you’ll have to get through a horde of them (they are armed with various weapons which they can use to hurt you) and find the matches and gasoline! Caution – these things BITE – and if they bite you – you will turn into one of them! Yeah, that’s a standard trope! Vampire bites you, you turn into a vampire – zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie…imagine living out your days as one of THESE things!

Furries

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Honestly – I can’t even LOOK at this picture without getting creeped out!

A horror film with furries could feature multiple angles – one would be murderous furries who terrorize a small town – robbing banks, talking in annoying high-pitched cartoony voices all the time (oh the humanity), recruiting unwitting victims to become furries at gunpoint – “You will wear this chipmunk costume or we will kill your whole family.” Two, a troubled man who dresses as a furry ALL THE TIME develops an obsession with a neighborhood girl – peeks at her through her bedroom window, sends her flowers/ letters, follows her wherever she goes, steals her soiled underwear (he really is a disturbed individual) – causes her to lose multiple jobs when he stalks her at her workplace. He INSISTS that she too needs to dress as a furry and reveal her own inner “fursonality” (he says her “fursona” is a zebra). He’s even managed to get a zebra furry outfit custom made for her and he tries to make her wear it when he manages to lock her in a basement. Three, a reverse story where a Beatrix Kiddo-style female serial killer systematically stalks and whacks furries one by one (just imagine the news headlines). The furry folks are living in abject terror of this assassin, and security at the furry convention is a grave concern – can she be stopped? Her back story is that as a child, she watched a furry kill her whole family while she hid under the bed. Her catchphrase whenever she kills one would be, “Fursonify THIS, mother fucker!”

Cannibal Dinner Party

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In this 1995 comedy, a group of friends regularly invites guests to dinner parties – and those guests wind up getting killed and buried in the yard.

First off? I won’t go to a “dinner party.” I will go to a family member’s house and have dinner (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.) – but if a friend invites me to a “dinner party?” I’ll make up an excuse NOT to go. I’m an extremely picky eater, for one. I’d worry they’d be insulted if I didn’t like what they fixed to eat and (the horror) have to explain myself. Two, I’m not huge on having lengthy conversations over meals. So how can a dinner party be made creepy? Read on! You’re invited over for a co-worker’s dinner party, and learn that your friend is actually a psychotic cannibal – and a serial killer. You are forced to kill another dinner guest and eat them or be killed yourself.  And the other dinner guests have to try to kill you and eat you too! If you thought that episode of The Office involving the dinner party thrown by Michael and Jan was uncomfortable? Wait til you get a load of Cannibal Dinner Party – where YOU are the “dish to pass.”

Costumed Cartoon Characters/Mascots

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I honestly don’t know WHY I don’t like things like this – I just DON’T. Ditto for sports mascots.

Let’s say there’s a guy who works at a popular theme park wearing a “mascot” costume of some sort. Bear, goofy dog, robot, etc. He gets WAY too into his job and refuses to take off his costume after hours – and even refuses to turn in his costume when his bosses get fed up with his strange behavior and fire his costumed ass. So they play a cat and mouse game with him as he  playfully capers around the theme park (entertaining the guests) and they surreptitiously try to take him down without raising the attention of park visitors. Hey…this is a rough draft (I ain’t no screenwriter)! But there HAS to be a way to make these awful things creepy enough to put in a horror film! I’ll let Ted Knight from Caddyshack take it from here…

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