What Other Things Should Shaquille O’Neal Sell To Us On TV?

Shaquille O’Neal was quite the talented athlete when he played for the NBA. Scoring 28,596 points, 13,099 rebounds 2,732 blocks and standing 7 feet 1 inch tall? He was probably pretty awesome to watch – even if he wasn’t fighting with Charles Barkley or squabbling with his L.A. Lakers teammate Kobe Bryant on the court! Or singing, “Kobe tell me how does my ass taste” off the court in a video (special thanks to my trivia teammate Evan for helping to fill me in on some Shaquille O’Neal facts). Plus, he was in that movie where he played a genie or something…


If you had a chance to have him grant you three wishes, what would you ask for?

I’m not really a basketball fan, but I am a tall person, so I’m also kind of fascinated with tall celebrities – him included! He seems like he would be a decent guy even if he’s not a real genie!

Now that Shaq is not a professional athlete anymore, he seems to be keeping himself pretty busy selling stuff to TV viewers. Gold Bond lotion, Icy Hot patches, Buick, The General insurance. My husband and I were in a bar on Monday night and watching him in yet another one of his many, many commercials. And we started talking about OTHER things he could sell to TV viewers. Especially…really, really inappropriate stuff that he would not be a good pitchman for!

I say a former competitive athlete like Shaq should be up to the challenge of selling ANYTHING! Let’s pretend he’s SUCH a good salesman that he could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves.  Here’s a list of products I would like to see him try selling to us – along with the suggested ad copy! Please note this is NOT intended to be taken seriously! This is just for fun…

Dulcolax Laxatives


Scene: Shaq on the Orlando Magic basketball court with one of his old jerseys draped over one arm, finishing up a meeting with some school-age children, they are walking away with various pieces of paraphernalia that he had autographed for them. The crowds clear and he talks to the viewers one-on-one

“When I used to run up and down the court with Hardaway and the rest of the Orlando Magic,  nothing would trip up my game quite like being all stopped up inside. Well, that and Charles Barkley (hey, I love you man)! That’s why I use Dulcolax. Just one of these babies will work fast and get me going and keep me going strong. When you want to get in the game and stay in the game, rely on Dulcolax.”

Gorilla Glue



Scene: Shaq is on the court for the L.A. Lakers, where he is wearing an old Lakers uniform and demonstrating various basketball skills, including free-throws, slam-dunks, etc. to a group of children.

“When I used to play with the Lakers, I knew that my teammates had my back on the court. Now that I’m retired, I like to tinker around the house and fix things when they’re broken. Just last week I grazed against my coffee table and took a small chunk of wood out of  it (I’m like a bull in a china shop, that’s why I can’t have nice things). So I got out my Gorilla Glue and fixed that baby right up. It’s good as new! But don’t just take my word for it, I’m going to SHOW you how strong Gorilla Glue is! I’ve asked my assistant Randy here to cover the whole rim of this basketball net with Gorilla Glue. And I’m gonna do a slam dunk right here!

Shaq runs up to the basketball net, slam dunks the ball and grips the rim with his fingers, which get stuck, leaving him hanging up there. 

“Uh…Randy…I think I’m stuck up here. ”

Randy gets bottle of solvent and climbs up ladder, applies the glue solvent and helps Shaq get back down.

“See what I mean? That Gorilla Glue is really strong stuff! When you’ve got to keep it together, reach for Gorilla Glue. And please, everyone – don’t try this at home. I’m a trained professional!”

Kotex Tampons/Pads


Scene: Shaq is at a WNBA game.

“When I was playing with the NBA, I learned a few things about protection. I knew I needed a good pair of size 22 shoes that could keep me from slipping on the court. I knew I needed a good antiperspirant so that nobody would see me sweat. And on behalf of my sisters in the WNBA, I’m going to tell you about another kind of protection. Now we all know that NOTHING will stop a female athlete! But when even the most unstoppable woman needs just a little bit of “backup,” that’s where Kotex comes in! Kotex products all feature sleek and discreet reliable protection both outside and inside. And because of the patented stealth design, this will be YOUR secret weapon in the game!”


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