Internet reviews are a pretty huge thing. If you’ve ever bought anything recently, chances are you’ve been pestered by the retailer to post a review. In fact, I was watching a recent episode of “The X Files” last night, and there was a very creepy episode that was basically about technology running amok. Mulder and Scully visit a fully automated sushi restaurant and Mulder’s card gets stuck in the reader – and he refuses to leave a tip because the robots got his order wrong. All hell basically breaks loose after that, with both Mulder and Scully navigating an AI labyrinth of menacing drones, sinister self-driving cars, stubborn home security systems and even a 3D printer that prints out bullets…and attempts to kill both of them! When Scully throws out a used package of hair dye, she gets a message on her phone asking if she wants to order more of it…obviously she is creeped out, and starts looking for cameras, etc.

Scully, whose cup runneth over with technology in a scene from “The X-Files.”

One of the things Scully is prompted to do is post a review of an item delivered to her home by a drone…that she didn’t even order. I always look at reviews with a grain of salt, I think it’s just too easy for someone to post false positive reviews of a crappy service or product. This doesn’t mean reviews can’t be a bit helpful! I bought a new winter coat last fall, and one of the reviewers said she used to work as a fashion designer and said she felt it had flattering lines, etc. I’d already bought said coat when I’d read the review, but I thought that was interesting! And the coat is warm, the sleeves are long enough (a big plus when you’re a tall person) and it doesn’t look awful on me, so…OK? My only nitpick is it doesn’t have any interior pockets. I guess I’ve been spoiled by too many Marmot products – all of which have interior zipper pockets.

So what’s the difference between a one-star pub trivia team and a five-star pub trivia team? Read on! Keep in mind, this is purely an opinion piece, but is based on years of pub trivia experience!

Here’s a rundown of pub trivia teams ranked from one to five stars based both on “winnability” and other factors, which include but are not limited to the love of and dedication to the “sport” of pub trivia, seriousness about the game and level of competitiveness. Additional conditions that may bump teams up to any fraction of a full star include: winning money in regional tournaments in more than one trivia league at least once, having an active social media presence (such as an official team page on Twitter, Facebook,  blog site etc.), having at least one player on the team who attempts to qualify or “warms the bench” by playing solo, winning a top prize in a tournament at least once, etc. Having custom printed team T-shirts, stickers, etc. is also a plus – though they say nothing about how awesomely you play as a team, you get points for dedication and seriousness!

One Star Trivia Teams

Describes any casual group of friends who have ever played any pub trivia together at all. Must not be signed up as a “league” trivia team. Teams such as these rarely if ever win any prize money and they must not play in enough games to qualify for any local or regional tournaments. This rating describes a “just for fun” type of trivia team, usually one who just “happens” to be in the bar where trivia is going on and the players are just drunk enough to say, “What the hell…let’s play trivia!” One-star trivia teams do not typically “plan” to go out for regular games. Games just kind of happen to them if they are in the bar while they are going on.

Two-Star Trivia Teams

This rating may apply to teams that are signed up as league teams, but not teams who ever (except very, very rarely) qualify for regional tournaments. Describes a semi-dedicated group of friends who might play in the same bar at the most once a week or less, and win occasional prizes in bars. Two-star trivia teams are below average to slightly above average team in terms of abilities. These teams are still largely casual groups, and do not typically concern themselves with attempting to go to tournaments. This rating describes such teams as the Macho Nachos, Money Badgers (though they are on the high end in terms of abilities and bar rankings), Mott and Significant Others, Consistently Inconistent, Stephen Hawking’s Dance Academy,  Dan Smith, Good King Snugglewumps, among others.

Three-Star Trivia Teams

These teams are signed up as official league teams who play regularly at least once a week or more. Three-star teams play in local “semifinal” style games regularly and qualify for regional tournaments at least once per year. Teams under this ranking typically either dominate their bar’s standings or hover around the top spots every week – and win prize money at least several times during a season. Also describes a team that may have won money in regional tournaments at least once, or a team that qualifies in any of the above ways while playing in more than one trivia league – and may also attempt to qualify in more than one bar. This rating applies to my team – Miskatonic University Fighting Cephalopods, Your Resume Sucks, Ennui, Corn Fritters, Don’t Forget to Strip Your Bartender, Ham Wallets, Pants Team, Mellows, Tanooki Suits, Sparty On, among others. I would place my team at a 3.87 stars based on some of the additional qualifying points listed above, but we are not QUITE a four-star team! I just happen to like the number “87,” lol. Yeah, we’re “three star-ish!”

Since this will likely be the only time my team EVER wins a first place prize in a tournament, I feel compelled to provide this as photo evidence! I am the second from the left, my teammates are all to the right of me (jokers to the right of me, here I am…stuck in the middle with you). Sorry a little “Stealers Wheel” song lyrics interjection there! On the left is a trivia host named Stacy. We are on the high end of three stars, but not quite four stars…that novelty check is stashed in our garage behind the cornhole set. They let us keep the check since they were switching to a new company logo.

 

Four-Star Trivia Teams

These teams almost ALWAYS qualify for regional tournaments and win money at them at least a couple of times a year or more. Someone on these teams probably has either an oversized novelty check or trophy from a tournament stashed somewhere in their home. Some of these trophies may – or may not – have accompanied players at one point to a store that sells sexual novelties and have had strippers pose with them (LOL). These teams almost always dominate the standings of their local bars on a regular basis. This rating describes teams such as More Beer Less Pants, The Moops, What the Shibboleth, One Is the Loneliest Number, Teamy McTeamface, among others. These teams routinely win prizes in regional tournaments, typically at least once per year or more. Teams at this level quite commonly have players who are in contention in multiple trivia leagues, have players who have qualified solo for both local and regional tournaments, have a player (or players) who has either auditioned for or has appeared on a televised quiz-style game show, play regularly in Learned League, etc. These are teams who sleep, eat, breathe and snort trivia when it is pulverized into a fine powder. Yes, if trivia was something that could be smoked or snorted, players on these teams just might try doing it!

 

Al Pacino snorting coke…er, trivia… in Scarface.

 

Five-Star Trivia Teams

These teams do all of the things described for four-star teams – and also advance to – either through qualification or by paying-to-play – national level tournaments – and win money in those at least once. Though I do know of some players who have  played in national level tournaments, I can’t name any teams who have done this.