Every so often, I get inspired by real-life stories that make me think:

What would I do if I were in the same situation? 🤔

Of course, it’s always helpful if someone else finds themselves in the same situation before you do, so you have time to prepare!

Read about that story here:

https://www.tetongravity.com/woman-plays-metallica-to-scare-off-stalking-cougar/

So what was I talking about again?

Oh yes, Dee Gallant, a 45-year-old woman who was hiking in South Duncan, Vancouver Island, Canada in 2019 with her dog Murphy – when they encountered a mountain lion – who was stalking them. And doing its best imitation of Tom Petty – by not backing down.

Any of us who venture out into the “wild” have likely read about what you should – or shouldn’t do – when you meet a forest creature doing something more than innocently scurrying around like a chipmunk or squirrel- or a bird making a mating call. You know – those… “bad actors.” Those  creatures that could kill you – or cause you to need airlifting to the nearest trauma center.

We’ve all been told to stand your ground, make loud noises, maybe give that bear bell a ring, or use that bear spray. We’ve all read these helpful tips, haven’t we?

Never, though – have I ever read in any outdoor or backpacking publication that hikers should do this if they meet a large cat while on a hike in the wilderness:

“Blare your baddest, loudest music at wildlife to scare it off.”

This is exactly what she did! She opened up her phone and blared Metallica’s “Don’t Tread on Me” at full blast. It worked!

This got me really thinking about what songs in my music library I had that would adequately scare off an 80-pound cat.

At the time that I read this story, I only had a handful of songs on my phone. The best song I had at the time was “Doctor Feelgood” by Motley Crue. But I know I have better songs than that!

I don’t know if it would work as well as Metallica’s “Don’t Tread on Me,” but I suppose it would…do in an emergency!

I do have quite a massive music library with tunes spreading across the genres and decades. And yes, I do have quite a lot of industrial, hard rock, glam rock, hair bands and a few Metallica and Iron Maiden songs.

So I started shuffling my music library while I was driving recently, to find some proper “cougar frightening” tracks. I had some “criteria” in mind. No overly long intros. Song overall must have the punch of… mile-high-club sexual escapades. You know? Hard, fast, and to the point. Get ‘er done –  fast. Unlike airline sex (unless you’re an exhibitionist), the songs must be played at as loud of a volume as possible. Your phone had better be up to this task, you won’t have time to pair that Bluetooth speaker the size of a Chevette!

Now I’m not saying that a song to scare a cougar might also be a good song to both serve as a good backdrop for quickie sex in tight quarters and a means to drown out whatever noise you make in the process.

That’s a different blog topic altogether 😉😜

Coming up are some of the best “scary” tunes that I found in my personal music library. Please keep in mind that I have not actually tested any of these on actual cats. Because I actually like cats and don’t want to violate their feline version of the Geneva Convention, I will not be blasting metal and industrial songs at my parents’ timid ginger kitty named Nicky anytime soon!

That being said, though, I did grow up in a house with multiple cats, so I do kind of know their personalities and tolerances pretty well. I also recall how my tortie cat, Kalamazoo, reacted when I played “Pretty Hate Machine” by NIN versus – how she reacted when I played classical tracks – or Neil Diamond’s “Jonathan Livingston Seagull.”

Playing one type of of music would send her packing – the other just might cause her to flop and expose her fluffy belly!

Without further ado:

Some of My Best Cougar Frightening Songs

“Misirlou,” Dick Dale and the Del-Tones – mostly instrumental aside from some yelling – no cat is gonna enjoy listening to fast-paced, downright dirty  brain-jarring surf guitar by the legendary Dick Dale. But maybe you won’t mind watching Pulp Fiction with them later if they can act like a happy lap kitty that doesn’t have any designs on killing you!

“Surprise You’re Dead,” Faith No More. Starts out with loud metallic banging, then some nerve-jangling electric guitar riffs, not to mention Mike Patton’s rapid-fire scatting vocals yelling “Surprise, You’re Dead,” among other things. Cats may not understand English, but this song will get the message across!

“Kickstart My Heart,” Motley Crue. If the revving engine sounds don’t scare that cat, Mick Mars’ hard-driving guitar licks – or Vince Neil’s wildcat vocals will do it! 

“Icky Thump,” White Stripes. Again, snarling electric guitar riffs (not to mention near psychedelic use of a synthesizer) are the key here. Where they leave off, you have Jack White’s vocals, which might sound just enough like a rival mountain lion to either scare off the cat entirely, or find the cat and pick a fight with them. My money is on Jack White. Also Jack White is from Detroit. Don’t mess with a garage rocker from Detroit, kitty!

“Mr. Self Destruct,” NIN. Be sure it’s the NIN song, and not Soft Cell’s version of the same song (that version might not work as well). Mr. Self Destruct by NIN starts out sonically swinging with loud banging, then like that determined mountain lion – does not stop or let up. As the opening track of their legendary and IMHO their best album, The Downward Spiral, it pulls no punches whatsoever. Watch big kitty slink off into the woods when you’re blaring this one. Now doesn’t that make you feel better? NIN fans will see what I did there!

March of the Pigs from this same album will also work well. 

“Run to the Hills,” Iron Maiden. Bruce Dickinson’s vocals get into some stratospheric enough ranges that only cats – with their superior hearing – can hear – that will undoubtedly also make them shit themselves. Watch that cougar follow the lead those lyrics provide and actually run to the hills.

“Helter Skelter,” The Beatles. This is not the absolute best of the cougar frightening songs in my library, by any means. But it’s symbolic of that time when the Beatles didn’t stay in their musical lane – and decided they wanted to essentially do a Who song. Not only did they wear that Who song better, but hello…Charles Manson was  inspired to commit his notorious crimes by listening to it. Enough said.

“I’m Your Boogie Man,” White Zombie. Pretty much ANYTHING recorded by White Zombie or Rob Zombie will suffice for frightening any felines! Just be sure you have White Zombie’s version of this song, KC and the Sunshine Band’s original version of the song might just make the cougar do a little dance, make a little love and chow down tonight. After all, it is a well documented untrue fact that mountain lions go psychotic when exposed to disco songs 😂 🪩

I’ll go into the other room while you all groan at my joke!

If you’re into theme music…

“Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns ‘n Roses. Starts out strong, stays strong throughout . Also Axl sounds like a deranged tomcat in pretty much every song he sings on Appetite for Destruction.

Well, what are you waiting for? What songs do YOU have to scare off those unwelcome forest residents on your next hike? 🤔 🎵 🎶